26/10/2026
**FROM THE OFFICE OF MALONE DEO (Dog Executive Officer)**
**FAO: Langholm Rugby Club Coaching Staff & Recruitment**
To Whom It May Concern,
The Office of Malone DEO is formally submitting our client for immediate consideration to join the Langholm Rugby starting XV. Following a thorough review of his recent aerodynamic sprints in front of the Langholm posts, we have compiled the following tactical breakdown for your coaching staff.
Our scouting department assesses him as a textbook winger (Number 11 or 14), with an honorable mention as a scrum-half.
**The Winger Argument:**
Look at the form on display—ears pinned back, fur fully streamlined, delivering pure, flat-out gas across the turf. We must stipulate in his contract that Malone has absolutely zero interest in the dark arts of a muddy ruck, nor is he willing to take a hit from a 110 kg prop. My tactical preference is strictly to receive the ball in open space out on the touchline. From there, he will burn the defense with pure pace, score in the corner, and—most importantly—keep his coat looking magnificent.
**The Scrum-Half Contender:**
Should you require rotation at the No. 9 position, I'm an elite prospect. He comes fully equipped with a relentless, high-pitched yap, a wildly inflated sense of authority, and a natural urge to pick fights with players five times his size before immediately darting behind his forwards for protection.
**Final Verdict:**
Given the sheer aerodynamic speed on display on your hallowed turf, I strongly advise playing me on the wing. Simply kick the ball into space for me to chase, and he will handle the rest.
We look forward to discussing terms. Please note that signing bonuses are payable exclusively in premium treats and belly rubs.
Warm regards,
**The Management Team**
*Office of Malone DEO*
