30/10/2026
Oh, I’ve outdone myself this time.
Mum came home from the pet store with a massive bag of dried cat food.
She put it beside our automatic feeder, ready to top it up later.
Then she disappeared into the dining room for a video meeting.
Leaving me alone with approximately two month’s worth of biscuits.
Oh Mother you sweet trusting fool.
Now, as you know, I’m practically toothless.
I’ve got one tiny nub where a front fang used to be and a few decent teeth at the back.
Don’t judge I’m British!
But what I lack in dental equipment, I make up for in sheer bloody determination.
I started gnawing.
I was attacking that bag with one tiny fang nub and the determination of a man trying to open a packet of bacon.
Then a tiny hole!
I dug a claw into the hole, pulled hard, and the whole thing ripped open.
BISCUITS EVERYWHERE.
It was like winning the lottery, except the jackpot was edible and I didn’t have to wait for Mum to dispense six miserable biscuits at a time
At one point I wasn’t even chewing, I was just swallowing them whole.
Eventually, I staggered away from the scene.
The kitchen looked like someone had emptied a biscuit factory onto the floor.
My stomach looked like I’d swallowed a football.
I waddled into the dining room, Mum was still on her video call.
I lowered myself onto the floor
I’m fairly certain you could hear the biscuits rearranging themselves inside me.
Then my stomach made a noise.
son of a biscuit this wasn’t going to be good
HURK!
A spectacular pile of biscuits landed on the floor.
Mum jumped
She leaned over to inspect the damage.
HURK!
Second helping, at this point I was producing more food than the automatic feeder
“OH FOR FISH STEAKS!”
A voice from the laptop said, “Everything okay?”
Mum sat bolt upright, “Yes Sorry just a little—”
HURK!
A third course arrived on the carpet
I’d eaten like a king and was now vomiting like a broken vending machine.
“I’M SO SORRY, I’VE GOT TO GO!”
Mum stared at the floor.
Three enormous piles of biscuits.
Honestly, you could’ve put them back in the bag and nobody would’ve noticed.
Well perhaps the smell.
Mum marched into the kitchen for cleaning supplies.
“FOR THE LOVE OF COD FELIX, WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!”
Ah She’s discovered the kitchen mess.
In my defence, most of the biscuits are no longer on the floor.
They’re on her carpet
I heard cupboards banging and some very unladylike language.
she came back and stopped dead.
Because there I was head down.
Tucking into the first pile.
What mother waste not, want not.
Mum let out a retch that sounded horribly familiar, I shuffled sideways, best give her some space to make a fourth pile
She practically levitated across the room,
“GET AWAY FROM THAT!”
She ushered me into the hallway and slammed the door.
“HOW has a cat with practically no teeth managed to break into a bag I can barely open with scissors?!”
First you complain I’m eating too much, then you complain when I give it back
Make your mind up!
And if you could hurry up, I’ve still got room for pudding
Hahaha
