29/07/2025
👒✨ Ilfracombe was the height of fashion in the Victorian era – and thankfully, still is (although we’ve loosened the corsets and swapped bathing machines for paddleboards).
So, in honour of our elegant seaside past, we present:
🕰️ A Proper Guide to Coastal Conduct for Ladies, Gentlemen, and Well-Mannered Children 🌊
As recommended for any respectable visitor to the Ilfracombe coast
Dearest Reader,
Should you find yourself partaking in the invigorating pleasures of the seaside – whether promenading along the cliffs, dabbling in a little sea-bathing, or exploring the rockier reaches of our fair coast – do observe the following notes on safety and decorum. One must never forget that good manners and sound judgement are the cornerstones of any civilised expedition.
🚩 Regarding Bathing
Should you feel the urge to enter the sea (clad appropriately in modest bathing attire, of course), do ensure you do so only upon beaches attended by lifeguards – the modern-day equivalent of a gentleman’s chaperone. Their presence is most reassuring and not to be disregarded.
🌊 On the Nature of Tides
The Bristol Channel, while splendid to behold, is known for its most ambitious tides. Currents may shift with alarming haste. If one is inclined to paddle in a canoe or stand rather daringly upon a board, consult a Paddle Safe pamphlet from the lifeboat station. It marks the treacherous spots most thoroughly.
📸 On Children of an Energetic Disposition
Should one be accompanied by offspring prone to wandering (as is their nature), it is most prudent to capture a likeness of them each morn. Such a portrait, though lacking oil and frame, may prove invaluable should the child become separated mid-outing.
🖊️ A Modest Proposal for Child Security
We further recommend inscribing one’s mobile telephone number upon the child’s forearm in washable ink. Though unconventional, it is undeniably effective. The Victorians had calling cards – this is merely the modern variation.
🐕 The Conduct of Canines
Dogs, while delightful companions, ought to remain upon a lead whilst upon cliff paths. Their enthusiasm for exploration is boundless – their understanding of gravity, sadly, is not.
⏰ Tide Times: A Matter of Importance
Before one embarks on a stroll across sands or toward coves, do consult the tide timetable. The sea here returns with great speed and scant courtesy. A marooning would be both embarrassing and muddy.
🛟 Instruction for Accidental Immersion
Should one find oneself unexpectedly submerged, resist all panic. Assume the Float to Live posture – recline gracefully, spread arms and legs, and breathe steadily. One must channel serenity, not flail like a startled eel.
🏥 Injuries and Ailments
For minor injuries incurred through over-enthusiastic adventuring, Ilfracombe’s Tyrrell Hospital offers care at weekends. For guidance at any hour, one may ring 111 and receive advice from most helpful modern practitioners.
📞 In Case of Coastal Peril
For matters more urgent, do not hesitate – dial 999 and request the Coastguard. They are well-trained, swift, and exceedingly brave.
And so, dear visitor, with bonnet secured, boots polished, and a head full of sense and sea air – go forth and enjoy the coast in a manner both safe and splendid.
One must never confuse leisure with carelessness.
